"Chester seems pretty cool since he looks like cute-ass Neil Patrick Harris, after all, and he says words like "hokum" and "bird dog" to make you think he's a safe bet. There's only the tiny problem of the metal plate in his head that pings mercilessly when he's aroused and the fact that his ventriloquist doll, Marjorie, probably murdered his wife and her lesbian lover. But that's all! Other than that he's the perfect guy to help out with your sexual debut."

"Ladies and gentleman, we've entered the golden age of episodes featuring nonstop ghosts. That's right — it's time for American Horror Story: Freak Show: Ghost Protocol. Almost every dead character came back last night in a series of lucid nightmares and psychotic breaks, or, in Dandy's case, the necrotic flesh of his newly murdered mother strung up like a puppet on his wee stage. What a delight! Patti LaBelle was nowhere to be found; she probably called Michael McDonald and harmonized a conversation about how she had her throat cut unceremoniously to raise the funds for "On My Own 2: London vs. Paris." Helicopter shots are expensive! Do you think Patti LaBelle is going to get a Liberace-style museum filled with wigs and silk pantsuits? And if not, why not? God, I miss the '80s."

Mordrake still needs a victim, "one more pure freak." The Peppers are too innocent, Paul the Illustrated Seal's story isn't sad enough, and Legless Suzi is less of a freak and more of a straight-up murderer with shitty parents. He still pushed her to "make me weep tears of sorrow for you," like your 10th grade cybergoth boyfriend with the ratty dread fall who read too much Ambrose Bierce and thought tears were "cleansing." Take a chill pill, Mordrake, and stop bossing ladies around